Unfortunately, academics often take phenomena for granted. More distressingly, they often take interpretations of phenomena for granted. Archival sources suggest (without questioning, I might add) that our colonial commander-in-chief George Washington rode a horse into battle during the American War for Independence.
Yet why? The few historians who have addressed this issue (Blake 1938; Thomas 1976) have argued that a horse provided the commanding officer a (quite literally) heightened vista of the battle scene, served to elevate the commander as a symbol of dignity (for more work on symbols, see Gollin 1980), and afforded greater speed in maneuvering along battle lines.
All this may be true to a certain extent and certainly impossible to empirically validate or invalidate, but I would like to suggest another, more likely explanation for Washington’s use of a horse in battle.
Namely: That George Washington harbored a psychotic paranoia of being fucked up his ass.
To my knowledge, no extant research has addressed this possibility, yet the signs are numerous, and certainly clear and reasonable enough to warrant further discussion.
1) Archival sources suggest that Washington condemned homosexual behavior among his troops (Will 1980). That such a condemnation was necessary, whether implicit or explicit, testifies to the fact that a great deal of sodomizing within the colonial army was occurring.
2) A horse provided Washington with a “safe haven” for his ass. While doing battle, Washington did not have to fear his own soldiers coming behind him, ripping down their breeches, pulling their “swords” out, and sodomizing our first President.
As I have documented, these are two, clear reasons why Washington may have taken to riding a horse in battle. I certainly do not mean to cast doubt on the agents already postulated. I merely mean to add to the discussion by advancing a somewhat unusual, but potentially useful paradigm for understanding Washington’s fondness for equestrian transportation in battle (Please see the figure below for the proposed theoretical links).
Best,
Prof F.
